AAA WILL BE YOUR DD

Have you ever driven yourself to a bar with the intention of staying sober but then gotten drunk anyway? Don’t want to pay for a taxi at the end of the night? Let your friends at AAA Roadside Services take you home!

If you’re a AAA cardholder, you know that you get 4 free service calls a year and each call includes up to 7 miles of free towing. If the year’s end is approaching and you have some left, you might as well get your money’s worth and use ‘em up!

Just get them on the horn and tell them you want your car towed to your house. It’s smart to dismantle your car before the tow truck driver shows up, because otherwise they might show up and mouth off to you, saying things like “your car is in perfect working condition” or “how were you going to drive anyway? - you’re violently drunk”. The best strategy is to remove your car battery, hide it in the trunk, and when the driver gets there, tell him that “someone stole my car battery and I decided to wait inside that bar until you showed up.”

Tow trucks generally don’t have back seats so you’ll have to ride up front with the driver. Just remember that vomiting in the back seat of a taxi is a lot more acceptable than vomiting in the front seat of a tow truck. If you do end up yakking, immediately blame the guy for his ‘squirrely driving’. If that doesn’t defuse his anger, tell him you have ‘really bad diabetes’ and unless he’s educated on the subject, that should get you off the hook.

The last thing to keep in mind as he’s putting your car down in front of your apartment is that he’s not expecting a tip, so make sure not to give him one. If you made polite conversation with him during the ride then you’ve given plenty already. Just bail and go get yourself a good night’s sleep.